


America and MochiEngland Make a Porno

by americalovesthecockpit



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America's POV, Crack, M/M, Other, Smut, WTF, lulz, mochi sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-09
Updated: 2012-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 08:17:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/428873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americalovesthecockpit/pseuds/americalovesthecockpit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Japan totally ships USUK, so to indulge his fantasies, he pays a cash strapped America to have sex with MochiEngland in front of him and video tapes it. AmericaXMochiEngland, CRACK, I am going to hell for writing this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	America and MochiEngland Make a Porno

**Author's Note:**

> This is AmericaXMochiEngland. That in and of itself is a warning, but I also feel I must warn for how GROSS this is (seriously), SUPER CRACKY, and of course, sexual content. May or may not be dub-con. I don't even know anymore.
> 
> America's silly POV for the lulz.

Have you ever been so sick that you thought you had morning sickness and were pregnant?

And then realized you're a dude?

That's what happened to me. But then I remembered I had a penis and was like, oh never mind. Yep, nothing was wrong with me! It's not like I'm having a recession and it made me sick. Oh, no. Definitely not. I'm too great of a country for that to happen!

So anyway, there I was sick in a hospital bed, leaning over a waste basket and puking my guts out. You know, normal stuff. Nothing's wrong with me so shut up.

Then, as I'm still tossing my cookies, I looked up to see France in the doorway. He was striking a pose like he thought he was fabulous, instead of just a smelly Frenchman like he really is.

"Why if isn't precious America, surrounded by all his friends and family."

I pulled my head up from the trash can and glanced around. Haha, France was so stupid! There was no one else there! "I'm alone," I said.

"Zat's ze joke," said France.

GRRR!

He strutted across the room and stopped at the side of my bed. "You poor thing," he said when he saw where I had blown chunks in the waste basket. "You really are sick."

"IT'S NOTHING, SHUT UP!"

"My, my - calm down. I only came to give you my sympathy." France was ruffling my hair while speaking. It was totally weird.

"You did not," I said, wiping puke from my mouth with my sleeve. "You probably came to rub it in my face."

"I only have your best interests in mind. I heard you won't acknowledge your problem -"

"PROBLEM? WHAT PROBLEM I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM I'M JUST FINE THIS IS JUST FREEDOM VOMIT IT SMELLS LIKE LIBERTY AND APPLE PIE AND BASEBALL-"

"Shhh," France hushed. "Come now. If you need money, zere are ways of dealing with the issue."

"I am not sucking your dick, France."

"My!" exclaimed France, finally stopping petting my head to use his hand for a gay little wave. "I was thinking more like reducing your defense budget or closing your corporate tax loophole! But if you wanted to offer … hohoho …"

I tasted vomit in the back of my throat. Yep, there it was. Puke everywherrrrrrrre. Thank God for that waste basket! I was gonna fill that thing UP.

"Ugh …" France curled his lip as he watched me throw up foods. "Second thought, never mind. You'd probably gag on my cock, and watching vomit trickle down one's manhood is never a pretty sight."

"SHUT … UP … you're gonna make me spew even more."

"My apologies. But just know, America …" Suddenly he looked super creepy. He had a total rapeface going on. "Sometimes when you're desperate for money, you need to do very desperate things …"

I was like D: … that is until I started to think about what those things could be. Then I puked even more!

"Honhonhonhon!" cackled France.

"Oh, sorry," I heard a voice say from the doorway.

"Oh, no, excuse me! I believe you were first," said another.

"Go ahead."

"Thank you."

What's all this politeness doing up in my room? I looked over to see England and Japan, who had just accidentally bumped into each other coming through the door. Then I was like YAAAAAAAAY I have friends after all! In your face, France!

Even though England always fights with me so I don't know if he really counts as a friend. And Japan gets cultured shocked every five friggin' seconds with me so I don't really know what to think with him either. But whatever, I'm still counting them! Because no one else had come to visit me, you guys! It was so depressing! No one at all! Like they didn't care! Well, wait, Canada came to visit briefly. So yeah no one important came to visit at all! GOSH!

Well, until now. YAY.

"Sorry, I had wished to speak to America-san privately," said Japan.

"It's okay," said France. "I was just taking my leave anyhow." He left the room, but not before giving me one more creepy rapeface. Ugh. DO NOT WANT!

So then it was just the three of us. Which apparently Japan was not too keen on. "I will wait outside for you two to be finished," he said, bowing to England, then turning around.

"Well, it doesn't really matter," England said with a shrug. "I don't mind if you're in here at the same time, Japan. You don't need to leave."

"Oh no." Japan was looking nervous for some reason. "I shall wait my turn! Prease come and ret me know when you two are finished." He left, then poked his head back in to add, "But no rush, of course! Prease take all the time you need! I sincerery mean that. I encourage you two to have all the arone time you need." And then he left again, blushing really hard, and closing the door behind him.

So then it was quiet. England was still closer to the door than me. Just sorta standing there, arms crossed, a look on his face like :I

The clocked ticked. Like tik tik tik tik! But times like a thousand (that'd be tikX1000 for you math peoples) because neither of us said anything. It was awkward!

"England …" I finally said, breaking the silence.

"Yes?" he replied, shifting his green eyes from the floor to meet mine.

"… gimme some monies."

"Hmmph!" he hmmphed. "No one's just going to give you money! You have to earn it!"

"But Englaaaaaand! I don't wanna suck France's diiiiiiiick!"

"WHAT -"

"He's creepy and French and only bathes like once a month -"

"Stop! Jesus Christ. Why the hell would you even think of that?" He put his hand up. "No wait - don't tell me. I don't even want to know."

"Haha," I laughed … though kinda nervously. "I know, right? I mean, it's not like I'm having money problems or anything. I don't need it. Totally."

"The hell? You're in a terrible recession. That's why so you're damned sick -"

"NOOOOOOO!" I said tactfully. "SHUT YOUR BRIT FACE! I AM FINE!"

"Then why have you nearly filled a rubbish bin to the top?" He pointed to my puke pail.

"IT'S HERO JUICE!"

"And why are there, let's see … one, two, three … eight empty bottles of Pepto-Bismol on your bedside table?"

Uhh … "What, is it a crime to drink that stuff like Kool-Aid? It's good! OH YEEEEEEEEAH!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," he said, shaking his head. "Such stubborn denial."

"England, did you get the joke? I said OH YEEEEEEEEEAH! That's what the Kool-Aid man says when he busts through people's walls. OH YEEEEEEEEEAH!"

England sighed. I think he was gonna say something, probably bitch about something actually, but then Japan suddenly burst through the door.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything!" he said, very excitedly, with a big grin on his face. When he saw that no, he wasn't, he looked very disappointed and frowned. "Oh … you're not doing anything. I see."

"Pffft, what are we supposed to be doing?" I asked, cracking up.

"Oh, nothing …" Japan was looking nervous again. And blushing.

"Well, I'm leaving now," said England, turning away from me. "I was just visiting out of polite formality, and I'm done. He's all yours, Japan."

"I wish he was all yours …" Japan mumbled.

But England didn't hear him because he was walking out the door. I did and was like WTF but I didn't say anything about it because I needed to ask Japan something very important.

"OHHH JAPAN!" I cried.

"What?" asked Japan, looking actually concerned, and approaching me at the side of the bed. "What is it, America-san?"

"I NEED MONEEEEEEEEY!" … then I lowered my voice and whispered. "… but I'm too ashamed to tell anyone that."

"I see. But you just told me."

"CRAP-"

"Prease! Do not worry, America-san! I actually have a proposition for you that could earn you a great deal of money. If …" He looked away, blushing like crazy. "I-if you are up to it …"

SCORE! "How much money are we talking?"

"1000000000000 yen."

"Isn't that like ten bucks in real American money?"

"It is a rot of money, America-san! Prease. It would make me very happy if you accepted."

"Well, okey. What do I gotta do?"

"I will exprain everything. Prease come to my hotel room this evening, room number 476." He held out a card key. "Eight o'crock. Horiday Inn. I will transfer the money before you come so that you feel a rittle better."

I took the key. "Do I need to bring anything? You know. Besides a puke bucket."

"Oh, no. Just yourself." Japan was … smirking. What the eff …

"Does it matter what I wear?"

"Not at all, America-san," Yeah, he was smirking like a mischievous creeper! "Not at all. Your clothes are going to be discarded shortly after you arrive."

FFFFFFFFFF-

X

So there I was. At the hotel / motel Holiday Inn. Walking past room 472, 474 … yep, there was 476. I knocked on the door and waited.

Guess I'm a whore now! Why else would Japan want me to come to his hotel room and take off my clothes? He wants my sexy body. There's no other explanation. Which is pretty fucked up. I mean, I'm SICK. Eew. Who the heck wants to have sex with a sick person? Gross.

SHIT I forgot I was still denying my sickness. Don't tell anyone, okay, guys?

Japan didn't answer the door, and then I realized he had given me a key, duh. So I slid it in the little slot thing and it opened. "Hello?" I called as I stepped in the doorway. "Japan, you in here, dude?"

"Ah, yes!" I heard him say from the bathroom. "I'm just finishing up something in here! Prease wait for me on the bed!"

Oh God. I really was gonna be whored out! Obama is not gonna be happy about this …

Then again, I actually was feeling a little better since Japan had transferred me the money earlier. Definitely not great. I mean, I was still in a recession. But I left my puke bucket at home. My stomach still hurt though and I had a bit of a fever. But I kept that to myself because I didn't want anyone to know! So don't tell anyone, boys and girls. It's our special secret, hehe.

I sat down on the bed. When I glanced around the hotel room I saw something on the nightstand that made me go WUT. It was a video camera!

OH GOD.

He was gonna video tape this? ! Probably for future fapping! No wait … crap, what if he wanted to put it up on the Internet? ! Then everyone will see me sick! I mean naked! I can see it now … the video of me banging Japan being put out on the Internet … alongside videos of Nyan cat parodies and 2 girls 1 cup reaction videos … ugghh …

NO WAIT - what if he wanted to sell copies? ! THAT'S SO WRONG!

I mean, I'm the one who needs the money!

That and it's totally degrading. Yeah.

Then I saw something else on his nightstand. It was a stack of what I thought were magazines. Then I looked closer and realized they were some sort of Japanese comics. Except instead of like Sailor Scouts or Pokemons or Mudkips on them they had pictures of me and England on them! Did you read that correctly? ME AND ENGLAND! Just thought I should repeat myself in case you are skimming this story instead of actually reading.

I started to look through the comics. Because England and me were drawn pretty … umm … interestingly. Then I started LOLing really hard, because I saw that me and England were actually having sex in these comics! Really! Like, every single one of those books! Yep, detailed pictures of me just banging him. Really hard. I was really giving it to him good!

But the funniest part was how England was drawn. He looked like a 12 years old boy or something, HAHA! Why the hell was England drawn like that? He reminded me of a girl. But still with a pretty nice sized penis. A chick with a dick. Or something.

HAHAHAHA - he was all wimpy looking! And crying! Why was he crying if I was having sex with him? ? That doesn't make sense, but it's hilarious!

WHOA - then I found one that was the opposite. It had pictures of England banging me! England wasn't drawn all wimpy looking in that one. But I kinda was. WTF I HAVE MUSCLES YOU GUYS! But I was LOLing too hard to care.

"HAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS!" I said, still flipping through the book marked UKUS R18. "ENGLAND AS PITCHER? ! PLEASE! ! HAHAHA-whyamIalittlearousedrightnow-HAHAHAHA!"

"Oh my."

I looked up. Japan was out of the bathroom and was staring at me, covering his mouth with the big sleeve of a kimono.

"I forgot to hide those before you arrived."

"Dude, Japan!" I said. "What the hell are these? ! They're so funny I almost pissed myself!"

"Oh - thank goodness. I worried you would be angry with me." He was blushing again. "They are called doujinshi."

"Why are they about me and England?"

"USUK is quite popular in my country." He glanced away, a dreamy look in his eyes. "It's my OTP …"

"USUK? OTP? Quit throwing around letters, Japan. This ain't Sesame Street, I can't keep up!"

"Ohh - you don't need to worry about it. I only brought them along for inspiration, but I have written my own and I think it will fair well."

I cocked an eyebrow (LOL I said cock.) "Written your own what?"

"Script - well …" He hesitated. "I suppose it's more of a novel doujinshi. I believe where you're from it is called a fanfiction."

"OH YEAH!" I exclaimed really happily. "I have written one of those before!"

Japan looked surprised. "You have?"

"Yeah, totally! It was about Ronald McDonald eating burgers and having fun with his friends in magical McDonaldland! You know, Grimace, Mayor McCheese, The Hamburglar, and the Fry Guys." I sighed sadly and shook my head. "Everybody always forgets the Fry Guys …" :(

"Heh …" Japan looked at me with a weak smile. "I believe we have very different views on what makes a good fanfiction, America-san. In my country, it is usually focused on pairings. Often with … umm … sexual content."

"Did I say mine didn't?"

Japan looked horrified. I don't know why. I'm sure he's read much more disturbing pairings than The Hamburglar/Ronald (The Hamburglar so tops, you guys) in those weird doegenshi comics or whatever they're called.

Suddenly he revealed what he had been hiding behind his back. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention he was hiding something behind his back, but whatever, I don't feel like going back to edit that.

It was a cowboy outfit. Well, I should have known Japan would be into cosplay! Am I right?

"P-prease," he said, looking away as he held it out. "I would like you to wear this during."

I took it. It looked like a regular cowboy getup. Leather vest, cowboy hat - WHOA ASS-LESS CHAPS! I was not expecting ass-less chaps, you guys. Whoa.

So for the sake of a healthy economy, I started taking off my clothes. Yep, my jeans and Stewart/Colbert 08 T-shirt hit the floor. I was freeballing it that day, don't you worry. I mean, I was just gonna take them off anyway!

As I was putting on the cowboy outfit, I realized that Japan had left the room and was back in the bathroom. Oh yeah - now he gives me privacy. Never mind he's gonna see me naked momentarily and tape it to boot. But thank God he lets me change with dignity! Gee, thanks a loooooot! (By the way, that's "lot" not "loot.")

Just the thought of sex - with anyone - was making my stomach turn though. I mean, I don't know if you know this boys and girls, but with sex there is usually a humping motion. Which is like up and down. And going up and down is really gonna rustle up my stomach. Which when you feel like throwing up at any second doesn't sound like fun! I don't need my gutty works being all jiggled around when I felt so sick, ya know?

But I needed the money. Damn. I guess I really am a whore :(

"Are you finished, America-san?" Japan called from the bathroom.

"Yeah," I said. I had just put on the hat and was adjusting it. I gotta admit. It was a pretty cool hat.

"Perfect."

Japan came out of the bathroom with a sheepish smile and a weird white thing in his hands. It was round with green eyes, a little top hat, and the biggest fuckin' eyebrows I'd ever seen aside from England's.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I burst into laughter. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"

"America-san, I'd like you to meet MochiEngland. MochiEngland, this is America-san."

He looked at me with the same kind of look England gives me when he's being a total piss pot (you know, like 99% percent of the time.) "Rubbish," he said.

"HAHA! That is hilarious, Japan. God, the things that come out of your country!"

Japan placed him on the bed next to me. "I'm glad to see you're happy."

"Haha, yeah! Look at that thing! It's kinda cute." I looked down and patted his head like a wittle puppy. "Wookit youuuu! Aww, you're so cute! Aren't ya? Who's a good boy? Hmm? HMM?" I looked over to Japan. "It is a boy, right?"

"Yes," replied Japan with a smirk.

"AWWW!" I was still petting him. "Good boy! You wanna treat? Huh? Huh, do ya boy?"

"America-san … it is not a dog."

"Haha! Well, it's pretty cute, anyway." I picked up its little top hat and put it on my cowboy hat. "Look at me! I'm British!"

"Give it back!" the little thing said to me.

"HEHEHE! Look, Japan! It's mad! Isn't that adorable?" The mochi thing started nudging against me, making little angry pouty noises. "Awww! He wants his little hat back!" I placed it back on his head. "There ya go, little buddy!"

"Hmmph," the mochi pouted.

"That was funny. But Japan, you should really get it out of here before we start having sex. Because otherwise that'd just be weird, ya know?"

"O-oh! Um! A-America-san!" Japan was suddenly very flustered! "There has been a misunderstanding! I - uh - do not want to have sex with you!"

"You don't?"

"NO!"

I'd never heard Japan be so loud! I should have been happy since I didn't want to either, but I was a little pissed at how much he protested. I mean, I'm hot as hell. He should definitely want to have sex with me, ya know? I mean, I'm sure everybody else does.

"Well, um, fine!" I said only slightly defensively. "I didn't wanna have sex with you either! So there!"

"My aporogies, America-san! I didn't mean to offend you! I just prefer to … uh … observe instead of participate."

"Observe what?" I started thinking about what the hell Japan could observe. Maybe he just wanted to look at my hot and sexy body. Yeah, that made sense! Maybe have me do a little strip tease for him. Oil myself up. Bust out some moves. Put on a show. Maybe a lap dance or something. Hmm … yeah, I think I could handle that, sick or not. As long as I didn't get too crazy …

Then I saw Japan get out a bottle of lube. Like - a REALLY BIG bottle of lube. It was like as big as a bottle of shampoo or something!

"Um, whoa," I said. "I'm confused. What do you want to observe, Japan?" Then it hit me. "Oh, you want to watch me … uh … how do I say this in a classy way … spank the monkey?" Well, that's classy enough, right?

He was still blushing so hard. "Not exactry …"

"Then what? GOSH! Spit it out. I'm not psychic, damn."

"Uh … I would like you to … you know … with … well …" He glanced to the mochi thing. When I didn't understand, he pointed to it. "With him."

I still didn't understand. "Do what with him?"

Japan covered his face in shame. " … have intercourse …" he mumbled quietly.

I almost LOLed because he said 'intercourse' and who the heck says that? That's not a sexy word, you guys! I prefer 'banging' or 'boning' or 'hiding the sausage' because that's what cool people like me say. Then I realized what the hell he meant and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT.

"WHOA, YOU WANT ME TO PUT MY DICK IN THAT? !" I exclaimed. "WHAT THE EFF!"

"Prease calm down, America-san!" said Japan, putting his arms up defensively. "Ret me exprain! You and England are my favorite pairing!"

I was in shock, you guys! "DUDE …. just … DUDE!"

"I have wanted to set you two up for so rong but it seems there is nothing between you. So instead I wish to see my fantasies performed with you and the next best thing: a British mochi of England's likeness."

"… DUDE …"

"I have written a scene not unrike many doujinshi that I have read. I would rike you two to act it out and ret me record it."

"… DUDE …"

"And yes, I will ret you know now, it is R18."

"… DUDE …"

"And I am sorry … but I have already given you the money, so this is not optional."

I wanted to cry. Seriously, you guys. But I'm a hero and heroes don't do that, so I just swallowed my sadness like a man. Now I know what a whore feels like! D:

Japan was getting the video camera ready. As he fiddled with it, I looked over to the mochi. He looked pretty irritated. "Heh …" I said nervously to it. "I guess you don't really wanna do this either, huh?"

"No, I don't," he said. "This is rubbish."

HOW RUDE! "Oh yeah, well your face is rubbish!" Haha, BUUUUUUUUURN! I got him so good!

"Prease calm down, you two," said Japan. He was looking at us through the video camera. Oh crap. He was already recording. "It's time to begin. We shall start on a rainy day, because it is always raining in good USUK doujins."

"Japan, we're inside, duh. Plus it's not even raining outside."

"I will be adding a rain sound effect in post production. I ruv sound effects. Now … MochiEngland, if you would begin your rines, prease …"

"Hey, I don't know my lines!" I said.

"It's okay. We'll help you arong. I'm sure ad ribbing might make it feel more authentic anyway."

Oh God, so I was just winging it? Hmm, yeah, I'm the expert on banging mochi things! Don't worry about planning or anything! I'm sure I'll figure it out! That was sarcasm. Japan did not think this through …

"And … action!" said Japan.

"America," began the mochi, suddenly having somewhat of a deeper voice. "Please … why did you leave me? Why?" Whoa, he was starting to cry! "I miss you! Oh, the DRAMA!"

I was confused. But then again, I was sitting on a Holiday Inn bed, dressed as a cowboy, in ass-less chaps, talking to a mochi ball. Things weren't exactly making a lot a sense, huh, boys and girls?

"Umm … I left you …?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes!" cried the mochi passionately. "You left me in that damn war! You just had to reject me! After all I did for you! WHY, GOD, WHY?"

Wow. He was a shitty actor. Overselling it, you guys. Totally. "Uh … duh, England. You of all people should know. You taxed me a ridiculous amount even though I had no voice in Parliament, imposed all those strict rules on me, brutally shot my people in the Boston Massa -"

"CUT!" interrupted Japan. "America-san, prease! I don't want to know the historical reasons for your independence! Prease just ret this be rike a break up."

"What! But Japan, that just makes me look like an angsty punk teenager who just up and left him for no reason! I mean, England was really mean to me! I deserved to be free!"

"I am not disagreeing with you. But that is not sexy."

I sighed. I didn't know my history was supposed to be sexy. "Fine, whatever. Let's just get this over with."

"Perhaps I should have you stick to my script after all …"

Before I could say something funny back to him, he had tossed a bunch of stapled papers beside me on the bed.

"Turn to page two," he said. "The part that says you reft so that he wouldn't see you as a rittle brother anymore, thus opening the door for a romantic relationship instead of a platonic, brotherly one."

"WHAT!" I said. "That's so not what happened! There was the Stamp Act and -"

"Prease …" Japan interrupted with his serious face. "This is what I want."

I was thumbing through the pages, skimming what he had written. It totally sucked. "Japan, your fanfiction is a big pile of emo wangsty crap."

"No!" he said, getting all defensive again. "It is deep and emotional!"

"No, it's gay. And I don't mean just because it's two dudes having sex."

"I agree," said the mochi. "It's rubbish."

"See? Even that thing agrees with me."

"Fine!" said Japan with a huff. "Just skip to the kissing scene then. Page ereven."

I flipped through to page eleven and read it. It was a very detailed scene about kissing - and I'm using that word loosely. It was more like eating each other's faces off. Tongues everywherrrrrrre. Licking all over, holy crap. So much spit! All over the place! That was quite the enthusiastic kiss, if I do say so.

I thought it was funny until I realized I was actually supposed to do that. With a mochi ball. I was fighting back tears again!

"Camera's rolling," said Japan. "Prease start."

I looked awkwardly over to the mochi ball and swallowed nervously. Which probably wasn't a very good idea, because based on those descriptions, I was gonna need as much spit as possible!

I picked it up and held it out in front of me. It did not look happy. It was all like scowling at me. Just like the real England …

"Take his lips into your own," Japan narrated from the side. "You're the seme. It is your duty."

Okay, first off, that thing did not have lips. And secondly … "Japan, what the hell is a seme?"

"Ah - um, I believe in your country it is called the 'top' or 'pitcher.'"

So I really was gonna stick my dick in that thing. Fan-freakin'-tastic.

"Well," I started, looking down at the mochi in my arms. "I guess I'm gonna kiss you now."

"Rubbish," said the mochi.

"Jeez, is there anything you don't think is rubbish?"

"Don't ret him answer, America-san!" Japan interrupted. "Kiss him! Silence him passionately with the reply of your tongue!"

"Japan … you need to calm down. Seriously dude."

"I don't think tea is rubbish," said the mochi.

"Ah! You missed your chance!" said Japan. "Redeem yourself as seme by taking his breath away, capturing his lips with your own, exploring the caverns of his mouth, claiming the orifice with your tongue as you ooze super seme manriness!"

Uhh … right. That's what I did. I mean, I guess you could say that. Even if it was more like me just putting the mochi in front of my face and poking my tongue inside it. Close enough though.

"Lick, lick, lick!" commanded Japan.

I was! You just couldn't see it too well because my tongue was all up in there. I was licking all right. Licking all up in that mochi's mouth. It was like I was licking inside an ice cream. How the hell was Japan getting off on this? It didn't seem very sexy to me. It was like eating a sloppy breakfast or something. If Japan wanted to see that he could have just watched me go to Denny's because DUDE they have the Grand Slam breakfast and that is the best thing ever and I don't even care that this is a run-on sentence because it's Denny's and Denny's is awesome.

"I want to see tongues lashing … " said Japan, with crazy eyes that were creeping me out. "… saliva dripping … a thread of spit connecting your mouths as you pull away …"

Eew. I don't even know if that thing had spit. It had a tongue though, which was weird as hell, and even weirder to feel up against mine. When I pulled away there was no trail of spit. Japan looked quite disappointed, that weirdo. But I was getting paid cash money dolla dolla bill y'all for this, so I obliged. I spit on the mochi's mouth, pressed our mouths together, then pulled back so that there was the spit thread between us.

Totally sexy right?

Japan's face didn't look like he agreed with you, boys and girls, who I'm sure thought that was totally hot. He actually looked disgusted!

"Ugh …" he said, nervously shaking his head. "That is not how I wanted you to do it."

"Well, gosh darn it, Japan! I don't know what you want!"

"That was disgusting," said the mochi. "Complete rubbish."

"STOP SAYING EVERYTHING IS RUBBISH!"

The mochi looked pretty flustered. "Bugger …!" he said, all pissed off.

I was all like GRRRR! And he was all like EYEBROWS! Okay, he didn't say that, but that's what I was looking at because them things were huge, y'all.

"Prease do not fight!" said Japan. "This is the scene where you discard your clothes for forepray and ferratio!"

"Aw, man, are you serious?" I looked back to the script. Yep, there it was written in plain Engrish - strippin' and blowjobin'. This was really gonna happen, you guys! I was kinda bummed.

So apparently, according to Japan's script, I was to do all the strippin', for both me and the mochi, because it's my 'honorable duty as seme.' Did … did I spell that right? Because I almost typed 'semen,' haha!

I looked down to the mochi on the bed below me. It looked back at me with this 'you're really gonna put your dick inside me, aren't you?" kinda look, scowling. I looked back at him with a 'YEAH I AM YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL' kinda look. Because come on, you guys. I'm hot as hell. Any food would love to be violated by my big turkey baster full of hot white man gravy! But that is a different fanfic. I mean story.

So I began to strip him. In other words, I gently took of the top hat and set it aside. THERE DONE. Well that was easy enough! When I started to take off mine, Japan interrupted.

"Second thought …" he said, hiding his blushing face behind the video camera. "I would rike you both to reave them on. Ev … everything. Just pull down your pants enough to do the deed, thank you."

Top hats and ass-less chaps during sex. ALRIGHTY THEN. I should have known Japan would have weird fetishes! I mean, the Japanese fetishsize everything, am I right? I guess I should just be happy he didn't pay a giant tentacle monster to fuck all my holes instead of banging the mochi. By the way, that tentacle monster thing was in one of the doujin things he had on his nightstand. Except it was England getting raped instead of me, LOL!

I started to undo the top of my pants and Japan was blushing so hard he couldn't even look at me. Just at the video camera, which had me on it, so that didn't make much sense. When I finally whipped my dick out though, he suddenly found the courage to speak again!

"A-America-san!" he started, shocked. "You're fraccid!"

"Um, duh," I said. "Why the hell would I be hard? None of this is sexy." I mean, sure I kinda made out with that mochi thing, but that definitely wasn't gonna get me horny. Hungry? Sure, kinda. Even though I still felt sick. But damn if it didn't make me wanna eat something, and then I started to think about Grand Slams at Denny's, and OH GOD do I love Denny's, they even have pictures of the food on the menu so I don't gotta read, because I come there to stuff my face not read a novel, am I right? Wait a minute, what the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Not being hard.

Japan was grimacing. LOL Grimace. He's McDonald's big purple friend. "I do not want to see a fraccid penis. Doujins never show them rike that! They are only shown full, erect, throbbing -"

"Whoa, calm down. This isn't even a doujin, it's really more like a porno, isn't it-"

"Don't say that! I do not want the shame of being a filthy pornographer!"

"Well, maybe you shoulda thought about that before paying two people - well, one people and one mochi - to bang each other."

"I am being paid in tea," said the mochi matter-of-factly.

"Well, good for you," I said who-gives-a-shitly.

"America-san, prease!" said Japan. "Make yourself hard before I turn the camera back on!"

"Jeez, FINE!"

I tried thinking sexy thoughts to get the blood flowing but all I could think about was eating breakfast at Denny's, and that was no good for making boners. So I had to do it the old fashioned way - jerkin' it.

I used Japan's BIG HUGE BOTTLE OF LUBE for it. It had moonspeak written all over and little cute pictures. Because that's what you wanna think about when you're getting busy, right? Cute little creatures with bug eyes, looking into your soul and judging you? Ugh. I'll take my cute critters in my vidya games and cereal boxes like an American, thank you very much.

"This lube smells funny," I said as I started to beat myself off.

"It is wasabi flavored."

"OH DEAR GOD -"

"My aporogies," interrupted Japan. "That was a joke. I have an odd sense of humor."

Oh thank baby Jesus! That would have stung my peehole like crazy.

"It is whale flavored," said Japan.

"Haha, Japan," I said. "That was a fake 'haha' by the way, because that joke wasn't funny. Your sense of humor isn't odd, it just sucks."

"That wasn't a joke."

"WHAT THE-"

I wanted to cry. I love whales! So much! I mean, Shamu! SHAMU, you guys! Who doesn't like Shamu? He is the coolest. He could jump through hoops and everything. Even I'm not smart enough to do that!

"That's fucked up, Japan," I said, simultaneously fighting back tears and stroking myself. Which is a very weird mix of things to do, by the way.

"I eat whales. You didn't know this, America-san?"

"No! That's so gross, dude!"

What a weird conversation to have while jacking myself off! I felt horrible that I was thinking about my poor pet whale at home and yet was getting hard as a rock. What a weird boner …

"It seems you are fully erect," said Japan, still hiding behind the camera. "Shall we continue?"

"My poor whaaaaaale …." I whined as I felt the mochi's mouth enclose around my dick. Then I realized what had happened. You know. That I had my schlong inside him, and then I was like … "My poor penissssss …"

"Prease be quiet, America-san."

Well, this was a weird feeling! I don't know if y'all have ever had your dick sucked, boys and girls, but generally a mouth feels warm and wet. This mochi felt … cool and dry. Like imagine you had a birthday, had some birthday cake but couldn't finish it because you didn't have many friends come to your party, I mean they were busy not that you're a loser or anything, then stuck the cake back in the fridge for a few days, pulled it back out July seventh and then stuck your dick into it. That's kinda what it felt like. Not that I know from personal experience or anything.

So there we were. The mochi and me on the bed, with my cock inside his mouth. Getting a BJ from a dessert. He had this look like he reeeeeally didn't wanna be doing this. A very irritated look. Because giving a blowjob is sooooooo annoying … apparently.

He did it very half assed. I could feel his tongue sorta, but it was licking so lazily. Everyone knows sucking cock is serious business! This is common knowledge, am I right?

So I grabbed the mochi and pulled him down harder on my dick. I was like LOL but he made a weird choking noise, like "ACK!" or whatever the hell choking sounds like, I dunno. He squirmed but I held him there, because what was that thing gonna do? Suffocate? It's a piece of cake or something, come on now.

"Mmmmph!" it squealed over my cock. Its eyes were bulging huge - almost as big as its eyebrows. But not quite. That would have been a goddamn miracle, am I right?

"Yesssssss …" said Japan, watching us intently. "I like a forceful seme … this is great, America-san …"

I was still holding the mochi - all the way in, by the way! It was some serious deep throating. Well, he doesn't have a throat but whatever. Deep mochiing. "Japan! Oh my gosh, dude! Your nose is bleeding!"

There was a bright red line of blood coming from Japan's nose. "It is all right. That happens sometimes in my country when we see something that gets us … excited."

"Excited?" I said. Steams of tears were coming out of the mochi's eyes. "You mean like 'I'm getting horny excited' or 'I'm going to Denny's excited'?"

His face was flushed so red. "… the first one."

"HAHAHA … eew."

So Japan was getting off on this. Well, I should have known. He probably should shut up too. He's gonna feel really weird when he's watching this later and trying to fap but he keeps hearing himself speaking and carrying on a conversation with me even though we're supposed to be making a porno or whatever the hell this was. I don't even know anymore.

"Prease continue," said Japan.

See? More for him to edit out. That's gonna be some hella awkward editing, am I right!

I finally let the mochi go. He slid off my dick with a POP! sound like POP GOES THE WEASEL except it wasn't a weasel it was a dick sucking mochi.

He spit out a little precum. "RUBBIIIIIIIIIIIISH!" he shrieked.

"You got a little 'rubbish' right here," I said, pointing to my face, meaning the jizz juice under his mouth that was dripping down.

"BUGGERRRRRR!" he squealed, getting even more mad.

Which made me do all kinds of LOL, because dude, that thing is so fun to piss off.

"That was a shitty blowjob," I said to the mochi. "You should have used your tongue more. And your lips. Or whatever the hell your mouth is."

"Shut up," he said.

"You gotta work the shaft, man. And the balls! YOU TOTALLY FORGOT THE BALLS!"

He totally forgot the balls, you guys :(

"Bollocks to your bollocks," he said all snootily.

"WHAT? You little …!"

"Gentlemen, prease!" interrupted Japan. "Try to get arong!"

Gentlemen? I ain't no gentlemen. And top hat or not, that mochi thing wasn't either. I mean, he just sucked my dick. Gentlemen don't suck dick. Not without their monocle, I mean.

"I-it is time for … uh … how do I say this …"

That was Japan's stumbling sentence, in case you couldn't figure that out, boys and girls.

"Say it with your mouth!" I suggested.

"… the… well … the part of the story … erm … the climax …" Japan finished.

"Climax!" I exclaimed, exclaimingly. "I'm not there yet, dude! It's hard enough even keeping it up with this cold clammy mouth -"

"No, no! I meant figuratively speaking!" replied Japan. "… for now, at least."

"Oh, you mean do the sex."

"I want some tea," said the mochi.

"Well, nobody asked you," I said.

"Let me exprain how I want it," said Japan, suddenly becoming less nervous because he had this total pervert face going on. Seriously. His eyes looked all obsessed and crazy. "I want it hard, rough, painful …"

Err …

"I want it wet," continued Japan. "Preejaculate everywhere. So much I can't even tell when you're coming - there is that much of it, constantry leaking from your weeping cock …"

Weeping cock … what …

"I want MochiEngland to be a typical perfect uke: struggling to handle your giant penis, grimacing from the pain of being stretched and torn, tears streaming from clenched eyes, harsh guttural sounds as he writhes under you …"

"Japan," I interrupted. "Stop writing fanfiction."

"It is too rate! This is what turns me on. Prease fulfill my fantasy."

"Hold on, dude, hit the pause button for a second." That was a good metaphor, you guys. "I am confused, Japan. This seems really sudden, don't you think?"

Japan still hadn't wiped that nose blood away. "What seems sudden?"

"You know, the sex. In the script. One minute the mochi - I mean, 'England' and I are just talking and emoing it up, and then the next, we're porking? I mean, that's a pretty big jump, am I right?"

"I do not understand, America-san."

"Don't you think there should be more of a reason to bone?"

"No."

"It just seems weird … going from Revolutionary drama to sudden buttsex …"

"You are over-thinking this, America-san."

Wow, no one had ever said I was over thinking something before! Hells yeah. I knew I was smart. Smarter than a fifth grader. Even though that show asks some really hard questions. I just watch it because I like that guy who tells them jokes about the possibilities of whether or not I may or may not be a redneck. LOL, he's so funny.

But back to the mochi sex.

"There is a good reason," said Japan. "You two are overwhelmed by incredible lust for one another! You are in ruv, regardress of whether or not you rearize it or not, so it makes it okay."

"Oh. I didn't realize love made random buttsex totally cool."

"Oh, it does." Japan had that crazy look in his eyes again. "It very much does."

"But what about if -"

"Doesn't matter."

"Even if -"

"No."

"But how about -"

"No scenario conquers true ruv."

"QUIT INTERRUPTING ME! I WAS GONNA SAY WHAT IF THERE'S NO LUBE!"

"No matter. Saliva shall suffice."

"… ouch, dude."

"I want real lube," said the mochi. "Tea flavored."

"Will you shut up about the friggin' tea? !"

"I already exprained it is whale flavored," said Japan. "Now prease. Continue. The camera is rolling."

I grabbed the mochi. He went "EEEE!" and I LOL'd because it was a funny noise. I spun him around so that we were both facing the same way on the bed. Then I sat up, crawling up behind him so that I climb on top.

"I don't wanna use Shamu flavored lube," I said. "I'll just use spit."

"BUGGER!"

"I approve," said Japan. "… it … well … makes it rougher. Which is the way I want it."

YAY. That's how I wanted it too! I'm not the one taking it in the ass so I don't give a shit, am I right? Not my problem, hehe.

"You ready?" I asked the mochi.

"Semes should not ask ukes if they're ready," said Japan. "That's not usually how we do it in doujins. And if you do, you must continue, even if they tell you to wait."

"Isn't that technically rape?"

"… prease continue."

"All right. Let me just grab my dick and we can get this over with."

"Bollocks," said the mochi, wide-eyed.

"Whoa, wait a minute, America-san!"

Uggh. Japan had told me not to wait a minute ago. He needed to make up his mind already, GOSH.

"Prease do not start so abruptly! You must finger him first!"

"Say WHAT?"

"That is how it is done. One finger, then two, three ..." said Japan. "Then you may -"

"FIST HIM? !"

"… uh … no, penetrate him with your penis."

Oh. I thought he was gonna say fist him, haha. I mean, it was just math! One, two, three fingers … well what comes after three? FOUR! I CAN COUNT! And four fingers is how you start fisting. Because you don't just cram a whole balled fist in when you fist someone, you slide in four fingers then make the fist once you get it inside. I learned that on Blue's Clues. The counting part I mean, not the fisting part. That'd be one weird episode, am I right? I learned the fisting thing from Tosh.0. LOL there is puke on there.

"But Japan," I said. "If you don't finger first, it's rougher. Wouldn't you like it like that better?"

"That is true. But fingering is … well … very exciting to me, so I prefer it to be done."

"So fingering is sexy to you. Got it."

So I licked a couple of my fingers. Then I remembered - after I already licked them, of course, that's just my luck - that I had just been using that same hand to beat off with, and that's just gross, dude. Oops.

"Yesssss …" hissed Japan. "Lick them good, America-san … make them dripping wet … the wetter, the better …"

So then I was trying to think of something to make my mouth water. Remember earlier when I was trying to think of something to get me hard and all I could think about was Denny's? Well, it finally came in handy! As soon as I started fantasizing about them delicious Grand Slams … bacon, eggs, pancakes, oh God, yes! YES! I was getting so WET! My mouth was, I mean. Just gushing saliva all over the place! Finger lickin' good. Oh wait, that's KFC. Oh God … KFC … mmmm, yeah …

"America-san?" called Japan. "Are you okay?"

I blinked hard and remembered I was at a Holiday Inn about to have sex with a mochi thing and not at a combination Denny's/KFC. OH SNAP. Why don't they have those? ! I would sooooo go, you guys. I'd put popcorn chicken in my pancakes and cover them both with KFC's gravy and Denny's syrup then put it in my mouth. Mmmmyeeeeeah …

I pulled my fingers out of my mouth. They were soaking wet. "Uh, yeah, dude! I'm fine!"

"You were drooling quite excessively."

GLUUUUUURGHHHHH!

"What was that?" asked Japan.

"Uh … my stomach."

Japan looked concerned. "Your stomach? I do not understand?"

"I was just thinking too much about foods. I forgot I was sick." I patted my belly, trying to simmer it down. "My mouth says yes, but my stomach says NOOOOOO! Whatever to do?"

"Are you okay to continue?"

"… will you take back the cash money if I say no?"

"Yes, unfortunately."

"THEN I AM A-OK, DUDE!"

Please don't think of me as a whore, you guys! I'm young and need the money!

"Very well," said Japan. "Commence the digital penetration."

"… do what now?"

"Finger fucking."

WHOA, JAPAN DROPPED THE F BOMB! That was a rarity! I wish we had a camera, HAHA! Oh shit, we do have a camera. But now I remember that I wish we didn't because I was apparently about to finger fuck a mochi … so yeah.

"Get this over with," said the mochi.

"Don't rush me!"

He was totally rushing me, you guys! Not cool. Well, if he wanted me to hurry up he was gonna get it! And by get it I mean get it up the ASS!

I took my spitty finger and poked him right in the butt. I was like "HEHEHEHE" … for a like a couple seconds. Then I was like "…. oh crap."

THAT THING DID NOT HAVE AN ASSHOLE.

This was a problem!

"Uh, Japan?" I said, looking over to him. "How am I supposed to do this? There's no hole here."

Japan's eyes darkened. "So make one."

… oh.

The mochi suddenly started scooting away from me, looking seriously creeped out, but I grabbed him before he could get away. "Where do ya think you're going? !"

"WREEEEEEEEEEE!" he squealed like a little piggy.

I held him down with one hand while the one with the wet fingers prodded. I was trying to decide where exactly to put the hole. But he kept squirming so it was kinda hard. So annoying!

"Yes, yes!" cried Japan. "I love dub-con! Prease continue!"

This kinda reminded me of making a snowman. You know, after you get the three ball parts and then you go to add the stuff for the face. You think about where to put it. It was sorta like that, except instead of sticking in a carrot it was gonna be my dick.

Finally, I decided on a spot. The mochi was still wiggling all around when I pushed my finger in. I pushed through that soft, spongy material. It was like I was testing to see if a cake I'd just baked was finished, except it was cool inside, not warm. I pushed as far in as my finger would go, then pulled it out. Then I pushed two fingers inside, making the hole a bit bigger.

It didn't seem all that sexual to me. It was more like I was digging a tiny hole with my fingers. Like I was playing in a teeny tiny sandbox. Except instead of sand it was glutinous rice cake and instead of a trowel it was my slicked up fingers.

The mochi was still trembling like crazy when I made it three fingers. He was squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his teeth.

But that was what Japan wanted. His nose was bleeding everywhere!

"This is gold," said Japan, whose voice sounded breathy for some reason. "If only there were squelching noises … it would be perfect."

Well, of course there wouldn't be squelching noises. This thing was kinda like a cake. Cakes don't squelch. They're pretty silent when you fuck them. I assume.

I turned my head away. "Squelch squelch squelch …" I said with my mouth.

"Yes!" exclaimed Japan, very excited. "I ruv sound effects!"

"Haha … I know you do."

"MochiEngland, please make uke sounds! The ukeist you can possibry muster!"

The mochi was already panting. I was fingering pretty hard by then. "Ah, AH!" he cried. "NNNGGHH!"

"Yesssss …. those are the sounds I rike …"

"Dude, don't oversell it," I said to the mochi.

"Fffffff … ffffffuck you," he said to me. "I am a great actor!"

"Shut up." I worked my hand even faster, still using all three fingers. I was as rough as Japan wanted, really thrusting my arm hard and fast into that hole I had dug for myself. I could feel crumbs gathering on my fingers as I slid in and out, breaking away at his cakey inner walls.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed.

"Tsk," I clicked my tongue. "You are so faking."

"Nnnghhh …"

"America-san," Japan said, but with a deeper voice than normal. A creepy, rapey voice. "It is time."

"Time for …?"

His kimono was soaked with nose blood. "Yes. Grorious anal sex."

OH SNAP!

It was buttsex time already! Guess I had to earn my pay. Good thing I was still hard through all this, huh? Weird, because I totally wasn't even getting off on this too much.

"Do it, America-san."

I straddled the mochi under me. It was still shaking but I held it down with my hand. There was so escaping my super strength, haha!

With my other hand, I grabbed my dick. I guided it toward the hole I made. As I started to push it in, I realized the hole wasn't big enough. Oops. My bad.

But that was okay, because I carved a way through with my dick. I just pushed it right on in.

It didn't feel like the normal holes I cram myself into. Normally they're at least somewhat wet. Slicked with something, so that I can slide myself in and out pretty good. But no, this cold - yes, cold - hole was dry.

Rubbing my penis inside something dry isn't that fun! GRRR!

What if I got penis burn? That's like carpet burn, but on your penis.

"Ugghh …" I groaned. "I changed my mind. This spit ain't cutting it. I need some lube."

Japan couldn't respond. He was like … speechless. And aroused. I saw it through his kimono. A tiny pitched tent. It's tiny because Asians have small dicks, LOL!

The mochi was making a weird sound. Like a whimper or something, I dunno. I wasn't paying much attention to him.

I found the lube myself since NO ONE WANTED TO HELP ME THOSE JERKS and pulled out. The mochi sighed heavily, but it squealed and tensed up again when I lubed up and penetrated it all over again, HAHA!

Thrust-thrust-thrust. I was thrusting! It didn't take too much of that before I realized how mushy it had become inside. SO MUSHY! Well, I suppose that was my fault for using all that lube …

I didn't know what to do. I was humping away at that thing. Bent over it, slamming myself in and out of the cakehole, feeling it get more and more mushy against my cock. It felt like I was fucking a pile of mud or something.

But Japan didn't seem to care.

"YESSSSSSS!" he cried. Whoa, I didn't know he could get so loud. "Yes, that is perfect, America-san!"

It was like cake batter around my dick. Not mochi anymore. Ughhh …

"Yeah! Get him good, America-san! Get him good!" cheered on Japan.

Oh, I was getting him good all right!

"Wait a minute …" Japan looked disturbed. "Why are you making a face rike that?"

He was actually talking to the mochi, not me. I looked down and the mochi was like this :3

"I believe I like it," he said, all properly.

"HAHAHAHA!" I laughed because that was funny as hell.

"What! NO!" said Japan, getting quite upset. "You're supposed to be making a pained, scrunched face right now!"

"But I'm happy."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" It was hilarious, you guys.

"No! Prease! You must be a proper uke!"

Squish-squish-squish. That was the noise we made banging. Gross, am I right? Sex is not supposed to be squishy.

"Almost as good as tea," said the mochi.

"NO!"

"Ahhh …. AHHHHHH! !" the mochi cried, but differently than before. This time it sounded real. "YESSSSSSSS!"

I couldn't talk anymore because I was feeling really weird. Like all this heat was pooling in my stomach. Or maybe that was foods.

The mochi then had a HUGE smile on his face. "I AM JOLLY HAPPYYYYYYYY!"

"You are ruining my fantasy!" said Japan. "This is not in the script and I do not approve!"

Oh God. I was having the worst pain. I was the seme, it wasn't supposed to be this way! I was supposed to be feeling good! But my stomach was in pure agony, and this was the second worst feeling hole I'd ever put my penis in after that time I dropped something down the sink and my hand wouldn't fit and yeah let's not go into that story.

The mochi's top hat flew off from me pounding him so hard, but he didn't even care. He had too big of a smile on his face and too much drool hanging out of his mouth from forgetting to close it to care.

"Wipe that smile off your face! Prease! I am begging you!" Japan was saying.

But I wasn't paying attention. Not when the room was spinning and my stomach was making these godawful gurgling sounds.

The mochi looked so happy. It was weird, because he had a face like England's, yet I've never seen England look as happy as that. He totally looked like he was about to 'gasm even though I don't know how that was possible without a penis.

But then it didn't matter anymore anyway.

Because I puked EVERYWHERRRRRRRE.

I couldn't hold it in! I just felt so sick! And it happened so fast! I was just like BLARGH! and it came out everywhere! All over me, all over the mochi, all over the bed - it was a HUGE mess! Because believe me, it was a crap ton of puke.

The room felt silent. I stopped thrusting and pulled out, but that should have been a given, unless you're a sick fuck. Japan quit bitching, and just stared at me from the camera, in shock. The mochi quieted too, and of course, that big smile was wiped right from his face.

I swallowed, trying to get rid of the stomach acid burning in my throat.

"… my bad."

The mochi started shaking with fury. "RUBBISHHHHH!" he screeched.

"Hey, you guys knew I was sick!" I said oh so not defensively! "All this humping and moving upset my stomach! It's like going on a ride at an amusement park! But the ride is my dick but you get the point!"

Silence. Awkward, awkward silence.

I started to crawl off the bed. Vomit was sliding down my clothes as I shifted. "Yeah … uh … I-I think I'm just gonna go now."

Japan just watched me with wide, shocked eyes.

I slowly got off the bed, tracking more puke with me. I stopped to try to shake some of it off my arms and onto the bed before I walked some more. "So, yeah, uh, sorry about all that … uh … where's my clothes?" I glanced around but I couldn't concentrate too well. As I backed up I accidentally walked into a chair. "Oof! … uh, you know what? I-I'll just get my clothes later … and I'll clean and get this cowboy outfit back to you too … okay, dude?"

No reply.

I was at the door, backing out, slowly closing the door behind me. "Yeah, sorry we couldn't finish! I … I'll talk to you later? I guess! C-call me. Or I'll call you. It doesn't matter."

"…"

"… yeah, okay, bye!"

SLAM!

X

The next few days were awful. I felt so sick. You should never have sex when you're sick, boys and girls, I learned that the hard way. I was stuck in bed and not the good kind of stuck in bed because I couldn't have sex! But I addressed that already.

But then, suddenly, OUTTA NOWHERE, I felt a million times better! It happened so fast! One minute I was barfing my brains out and the next I was frolicking down the street. SUCH JOY!

So there I was, at my first stop, Denny's. I was sitting at a booth stuffing my face because OH GOD was that shit good.

I was like NOMNOMNOM all over the place.

Then my phone was like BEEP BEEP! No, it wasn't backing up. I was getting a text. It was from my boss! Obama! He's my bro.

'Good news! The recession is over!' it said.

'Hells yea' I texted back with my sticky, syrupy fingers.

'It seems an international collaboration project has turned over quite a profit in our favor.'

It took me a few minutes to reply.

'wut inernatonal colab project?'

'I don't know. But you should. I was told you were a big part of it. But Japan's government has sent me over a copy that I will be taking a look at shortly.'

'NO WIAT DONT'

"Why not? This has saved our economy. It was such a big hit worldwide that it sold enough copies to bring our entire country out of recession!'

'FFFFFFFFF'

'America? Are you okay?'

I didn't reply back anymore.

Instead I texted Japan.

'JAPAN WHYYYYYYYYYY?'

'Hello, America-san.'

'DUDE WHYYYYYYYYYYY? ?'

"If you are referring to the distribution of the video commission of yourself and MochiEngland, I did it for your benefit. I know you needed the money.'

'BUT NOW I'M EMBARSASED AND A WHORE!"

'My apologies."

I needed more Grand Slams STAT! I needed to drown out the pain with the best foods in the world.

'WHY DID PPL EVEN BUY A COPY IT WAS GROSS I THREW UP EVERYWERE AND DIDN'T EVEN CUM WTF?'

'There is a fetish for everything in my country, America-san.'

'GROSS EVEN PUKING?'

'Yes, it is called emetophilia.'

'SICK DUDE'

I was throwing some more bacon in my mouth when it hit me.

'DUDE WUT ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD? WHY DID THEY BY A COPY?'

Japan took his time replying to me. But finally he sent me this:

'I am sorry, America-san. I believe they were just laughing at you.'

I was gonna type a frowny face but then I looked up and saw England scooting into my booth across from me.

"England! Dude, what are you doing here?"

He looked pretty disgusted at how many plates I had on the table. "I heard you were feeling better."

I was still shoveling food into my face. "Uh huh …"

"And I saw how too."

"… uh huh …"

Wait. England said 'saw.' Not 'heard' …

"Just thought I would check up on you, is all."

I LOL'd. "That's not all. You totally fapped to that video, didn't you?"

"What? !" He looked all flustered, haha! "Why the hell would you say that? !"

"Haha! You totally did! Admit it! You fapped to my video!"

"You should be embarrassed of what a fool you made of yourself!"

"You should be embarrassed of fapping to a video where I play hide the sausage with a mochi and then puke on it!"

He suddenly stood up. "Why the fuck would I wank to a disgusting video like that? !"

I was still nomming on some delicious bacon. "Hmm … I dunno."

"I mean, vomit is disgusting! I do not want to see that! It ruined the whole thing!"

"… uh …"

"You shouldn't have done it while you were sick!"

"… UH …."

He slammed something down on the table. "YOU NEED TO LEARN PROPERLY! FROM AN ACTUAL GENTLEMAN!" Then he abruptly turned around, walked off, and I swear he was moving his hips just slightly more than usual. "GOOD DAY!" he called back.

I looked down to see that he had slammed a hotel key card on my table. But it wasn't Japan's. It was a different room.

OH SNAP.

Looks like I was gonna have some more fun at the Holiday Inn!

But this time I'll bring a puke bucket, just in case. They are like a condom for the mouth.

I just hope England wears a top hat AND monocle during! Like a true gentleman :D

(The end!)


End file.
